Facing fear

Joan is my hero.  She had worked with these same students for several years and had keen insights to what they would respond to.  We sat down to talk.

“Okay, Joan, what are we going to do?” I opened the discussion.  “Our room is a nut house, we don’t even have time to work on the annual goals, Darryl thinks he is the room mother, and even though we are ‘surviving,’ I don’t think we are making progress.”  I felt excited.

“I agree.  And we have to get these kids out of the room!  The other kids get to go out for recess but we’re in the same room all day long.  I don’t think that is fair!”  she was warming up to the subject of change.

“What do you think of our lunch process?” I asked her.

“That’s a tough one,” she hesitated.  “It’s good to be in the room for some of the kids that we have to feed.  We don’t want them to be embarrassed, but I don’t see why some of our kids can’t eat in the cafeteria with the other kids.”

“So you don’t think we all could eat in the cafeteria?” I asked.  “I really want to get the kids out of the classroom as much as possible.”

“Let’s think about that.  I guess our kids probably wouldn’t really be embarrassed, but would the other kids be grossed out?  Actually the visual stimulation of being around other kids might even encourage our kids to eat better.  We could work on some table manners, too!”  I was glad to see her thinking ‘outside the box’ while upping the expectations of our own students as well.

“And we have to start working on annual goals.  I know I will only be here for another 3-4 weeks, but we need to give the students a chance to get started  working on their goals.” I said, cringing at the thought of leaving in 3-4 weeks.

“What if you take the students out of the classroom one at a time and work on goals in a quiet spot, like in the cafeteria?” she suggested, “and while you are doing that, I can work with the kids in the classroom on workshop and self-care skills.” 

I felt burdens rolling off my shoulders with each idea we put forth.  We made a list of the changes we wanted to make and then she ruined it with, “Okay, now you just have to get Mr. Brock to agree.”  The burdens landed heavily back on my shoulders.

Now, Mr. Brock was not a bad person and I believe he ultimately had the best interest of students at the front of his thoughts, but he was intimidating to me and I wasn’t sure I could muster up the courage to present the changes we had in mind.  But then, what did I have to lose?  I was leaving soon anyway.  So when it was time for my lunch period, I spent 10 of my 20 minutes working up my nerve to knock on his door. 

He invited me to come in and sit and talk while he himself finished up his lunch.

“What’s on your mind, Ms. Tupper?” he asked.  So much for small talk.

“Mr. Brock,” my voice actually wavered.  He smiled as if satisfied with his ability to intimidate me.  “Joan and I came up with some different things we would like to try with the class and I wanted to present them to you in order to make sure you knew what we had in mind.”

I started going over our list, expounding on our reasons when it came to ideas I thought he might not like (eating in the lunchroom, going for walks outside, etc.).  I finished the list.  He finished his lunch.  Then he leaned back in his executive chair, looking at me.  “Ms. Tupper.  You understand that you are a sub and that you will not be here that long, right?”

“Yes, Mr. Brock, I understand that.”

“Why would you want to change the entire structure of the program  if you will be leaving before you can see if it will work?”

I was shaking in every fiber of my body and my stomach was growling—loudly.

“Mr. Brock, my desire is not to cause confusion for anyone but to provide a learning environment for the students I am responsible for.  I know I am clueless on most things going on here, but Joan isn’t.  She is an excellent worker and she knows these kids well.  She and I both feel these changes are best for these students.  Even if I am here just for a short time, my job is to help meet the needs of these students…”

“Ms. Tupper,” interrupted Mr. Brock, “I want you to implement your ideas but please be informed that there is no guarantee they will be continued once you leave.” 

My stomach growled loudly again.  “Thank you, Mr. Brock!” I replied as I repressed the urge to kiss his hand.  I turned to go.

“Ms. Tupper?” he said, as I reached for the door, “make sure you eat lunch today.”

“I will.” Hardly able to contain my excitement at not only exiting his office in one piece, but leaving his presence with permission to make some changes, I did a little dance in the hallway before rushing to the room to tell Joan.

“How did it go?” she asked, intent on feeding David another spoonful of his pureed food.

I shrugged my shoulder and replied nonchalantly, “oh, he was putty in my hands.”

“Right,” she was doubtful.

“Really, Joan.  He gave us permission to try all of our ideas!”

“No way!” She took David’s bib off and tossed it into the laundry basket. “Yes, way!”  I danced around the room.  Within seconds Eric, Joe, Darryl, and Michael were joining Joan and I as we danced.  Following our spontaneous celebration, Joan smiled and said, “Now, go eat your lunch.  You’ve earned it.”